Trees
This stub is a part of a larger series of articles on ARBOLOGY. You can help by expanding it. “Tres” redirects here. For “Tres Chic” or “Tres Brooklyn,” you can begin by going to hell and follow that up by dying. Money is not actually “lumber” as the colliquial phrase “a whole lotta limber lumber” has it. Money is made of ink on a fabric of cotton and linen. Neither are the products of trees. Lumberjacks and Tree-Huggers are not technically Tree-Associates, they just annoy the fuck out of trees, who, as often as possible, fall on both categories of person with equal aplomb. And to clear it up in advance: Yes, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, it still does make a sound. The only difference is that when left unobserved the matter that comprises the tree behaves in a wave function rather than in a particle function, like everything else in the limitless, united fabric of existence. We are all of us brothers. Bristlecone Pine Trees These are the oldest of the trees, and therefore the wisest. They're in Colorado, USA, and many were planted before the birth of the his holiness the Buddha Siddhartha Guatama. The oldest was General Sherman, but a graduate student cut it down in ignorance while retrieving a stuck coring bit and did not have a moment of peace for the rest of his life. Giant Venus Fly Traps By far the most terrifying of the trees because they are the only tree species that eats living, mobile creatures with actual mouths, they are tolerated by the human race for their noble consumption of the Giant Venus Flies. Seqouia Trees & Redwood Trees These twin titans are nearly indistinguishable from each other to a child, yet cannot, due to their height, be mistaken for any other type of tree. This is because they are so tall, were they buildings they would require the sort of financing and millions of empty office square footage that they could only possibly be built in Dubai. Pine It smells good, don't it? Great buildin' too. Really eats a nail. Oak White people love Oak. See: your parents' suburban home. Tree of Smoke A biblical metaphor for a mushroom cloud following an explosion. Also the name of Denis Johnson's 2007 Vietnam novel that won the National Book Award. Also trees when they're made of smoke. Birched Trees Voted Tree with the most papyrus-like bark, these white beauties can be seen throughout the Upper Midwest. They are actually white as a form of camouflage – it helps them blend in with surrounding snow, snowshoe hares, and snowshoe-ers that live south of Canada. Bamboo The tree with the funniest name, this flexible tubular tree resembles tape worms and is eaten by the animal least qualified to survive animal on earth, Pandas. Ash Ash trees are named for famous Arborist Ash Ketchum, whose adventures to capture all creatures capable of harming the trees -- and, indeed, all living creatures, as he was a slaver -- were classically recorded by Aristotle. Revisionist historians paint a different picture, as his eventual mass-genocide of all living Pokemon was deemed "a little overboard." Ash trees are havens for Emerald Ash Borers (not a type of Pokemon) and their super-popular upscale nightclubs. Contrary to popular belief, these insects are made of neither emerald nor ash, but are certainly bores as evidenced by this halfhearted summation. Yggdrasil -- the tree made famous by Norse mythology but later determined to be real, only to be subsequently chopped up by the Biblical, mythological, Noah and turned into an Ark -- is an Ash tree. Or was an Ash tree. Or would forever be an Ash tree, were it not destroyed in an allegory. It's unclear. Aspen You can tell they're aspen trees because of the way that they are. "Trees" Often known as a sly nickname for the Schedule 1 Narcotic Marijuana. Commonly referred to in Hip-Hop. For example: "Flows got the breeze on my clothes got the scent of trees/I lay back and blow sax like Kenny G" The Tree of Knowledge of Life and Death Don't even fucking look at it. The Tree of Life The tree Odin hung himself from to become enlightened. This was after he dug out his left eye with a knife to gain insight. Yeah, those Norse guys were pretty dark. Christmas Trees In America and most of Europe, every year people cut down live adolescent trees so that they can watch them slowly die inside their homes. Naturally this practice originated in Northern Germany. Palm Trees Like the dandelion of trees. Totally overrated. Those Super Fat African Trees from Lion King They rated a mention.